Thursday, August 30, 2007

Heartbroken letter to a now unknown recipient


I'm not sure how long I’ve been feeling this way, but it seems that each day that passes is a day that I am even more tired of everything and everyone around me. I can’t seem to get used of all the noises in my apartment. Even my cat is fucking exhausting. I try breathing in and out, try remembering that there are much worse things in life. What’s wrong in mine, anyways? Is it work, the never ending days of solitude surrounded by shallow sexual encounters that make an effort to remind me how much I miss you and how much I wish I could be with you again. Hours seem so long lasting. They drown me inside in ways that you could never imagine. I try dreaming of you. Too bad it only makes it harder for me to let go. Its been 3 months since we last spoke. You had to leave, you had to leave New York and me. And while in this infinite abyss we wait for the day in which we can just escape.. to you. Oh what I would give to just throw it all away, quit my job, abandon my cat and my apartment, and just live a life full of intensity and passion. Just leave everything behind in an attempt to find you. To live with you, and become the couple we once were. I cant stand this storm inside me. The city seems to be deserted just by my hard pounding thoughts. Weird people run without stopping, behind my door is this intense universe that can’t seem to stop. Days seem gray. Everything seems mute while I cry because of stupid reasons that just make me angrier inside. Its weird but Im mad at myself for letting you leave me, even though you did not warn me or said goodbye. How could you do this to me? After all we’ve been through. You told me how you don't like goodbyes. I get that. I really do. But after spending 4 years by my side, couldn’t you at least write a note? I wouldn't have minded if it was just a post it. What ever. At least it was something I could hold on to. Some prove of closure. But no, you just chose to leave me here, all by myself, drowning in desperation and loneliness. I have dated 4 or 5 men. I'm not going to lie to you. I suppose you have dated many women, too. They were ok, but really they weren't. Because none of them was you. I'm writing to you and I just realized I don't even have an address to send it to you. One would think that after all this time at least I would get an apologetic letter. But I didn't. I’ve thought about calling your parents, or your sister at least, and ask for you. But that only makes me sad, just to think I have to contact you through another person, when it used to be so easy, I usually didn't even have to call you, it was like we were connected and you’d know when I was looking for you, and we’d see each other right away. It was that easy. It was that simple. And now it just isn’t. And you just aren’t. It’s almost like you had it planned, its almost like you shook my hand and said “hey, I'm about to screw you over big time”, and what was I supposed to do? I was stuck in between you and a hard place, we wont talk about the hard place. But I don't blame you anymore there is too much pain to start with. Sometimes i feel like you left me half dead, inside my head. To be honest, looking back I see I'm not the girl I used to be. Its how you wanted it to be, its like you played a joke on me, and I lost a friend.. in the end. And I think that I’ve must have cried for days, and Im never going back .. to who I was.. And we will probably never go back to who we were. ...

5 comments:

Andre said...

Amazing writting!!!! Fiction or non fiction you grab us untill the last line!!! And it felt so truthfull!!! You are great

Ani Sosa said...

thanks so much!!!!!! you make me feel good about my writing - haha! where are you from?

Andre said...

Mi bella y Hermosa VENEZUELA!!! pero estoy en San Francisco... De verdad atrapas Ana, Mil Felicitaciones~!!!!

victor_marin said...

Loved it from the start!

Sophie said...

Eres muy talenosa, hace pocos dias que descubri el blog y he leido casi todo lo que he escrito...Pero esta carta, sea ficcion o no, describio al go que me paso. Te felicito y confieso que eres una inspiracion!

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